Tippecanoe and Cougars Two Read online

  Adventure, May 18, 1921

  N THIS here vale of tears where a person

  things he’d forgotten to do.

  ain’t got but one way out and has to die to Everything

  he

  done

  was with a reverse

  I find that exit, I’ve met a lot of fools. Yea English. If he wanted his dog to follow him verily, they have come from the ends of the he’d throw rocks at it instead of whistling.

  earth to do injury to my nervous system, but He’d cook mush for his supper, thinking it while I may never look the same, I have

  was breakfast, and then sit up all night kicking managed to keep my carcass out of the loco-about the dark days we’re having in this

  lodge in spite of their having done unto me Western country. He packed a .45 Colt and

  things which I could never have done unto

  filled his belt with .45-70 rifle cartridges.

  them.

  He was a peculiar-looking hombre.

  Some of them have been of the Eating his own cooking had just about common or hillside variety, which you may

  finished up what Nature was ashamed to do to bust with a six-gun and not figure that you’ve him. Mostly always he’d have his pants on

  ruined any of God’s beautiful works; while backwards or his shoes on the wrong feet. One others has been of educated stock, peculiar to nice thing about him was the fact that he never look upon and listen to. But to all ye fools, repeated what was told to him—he never

  whether ye be shepherd or scientist, I say unto remembered it.

  thee: there is a place at my table—come and Me and “Magpie” Simpkins, my

  get it! But, all ye of absent mind—vamoose!

  pardner, are doing a little work on our alleged A fool is merely one who is destitute

  gold-mine on Thunder Creek about five miles of reason; but an absent-minded man is from Piperock. We cut out a road to our cabin anointed of the devil, and his days are few and and she’s some road, I’d tell a man. Beyond far between if he gets in range of my wickiup.

  our cabin is the Thunder Creek trail, which Tell yuh why I’m against everybody who hugs the side of an awful steep mountain for forgets to remember.

  several miles.

  “Tippecanoe” Seeley was one of the

  Our cabin was built on the only place

  reasons. When it came to forgetting he was where we could find room to hook it on to the seven thousand degrees in the shade. He never side of the hill, and we’ve got about fifteen thought of anything with more than one feet of ground for a front yard, and the rear of syllable, and his back-trail was littered with the cabin sets back into the hill.

  Adventure

  2

  Beyond our front yard the landscape

  The little fellow lifts his hat and feels

  just falls for a mile. We’ve sure got a of his bald head.

  restricted building-site, a wonderful view and

  “Well, maybe I did. Sure I did.”

  nothing to see.

  Then he turns to Tip. “You know as

  One morning I’m sitting in the cabin

  well as I do that I’m not a doctor. I am a—

  cooking a pot of beans, when all to once I What were we talking about anyway?”

  hears a awful noise coming up the road. I

  “My ——!” says I. “Two of a kind!

  pokes out my head and sees an automobile

  What did you want of me?”

  heaving and twisting towards the cabin. That Tip and Aloysius looks at each other

  road is barely out of the pack-trail age, which for a moment and then they look at me.

  means she’s still within the Stone Age and

  “What was it?” asks Aloysius. “You

  noways appropriate for horseless carriages. know, don’t you?”

  Anyway, they got to the cabin and stopped.

  “——!” grunts Tip. “I didn’t hire out

  The feller who is doing the driving is

  to keep track of your wants. I hired out to—

  one of them cadaverous-looking little persons, to— What in —— did you hire me for

  long on glasses and short on chin. Somebody anyway?”

  has sold him a suit of clothes which must ’a’

  Aloysius turns and stares Tip in the

  been ordered for a African explorer, even to face.

  one of them front-and-back-porch hats. The

  “You mean to say you don’t know

  other person in the seat is Tippecanoe Seeley.

  what I hired you for?”

  “Howdy,” says I, and the feller nods.

  “Nope,” says Tip, puzzled-like. “Do

  “Is this ‘Hackamore’ Harper or Ike

  you?”

  Harper?” asks Tip, peering at me.

  Aloysius puckers up his eyebrows and

  I’ve knowed Tip for ten years; so I

  seems to try to remember, but finally shakes don’t laugh.

  his head.

  “I’m Ike,” says I.

  “My gosh, that’s some gun you got!”

  “By the whiskers on the waumpus, I

  says I. “What kind of a weapon do you call knowed I was right!” he squeaks. “I knowed it?”

  I’d get the right Harper. Can’t fool old

  “Oh that,” says Aloysius. “I forget, but

  Tippecanoe—y’betcha.”

  I know it’s a five-passenger. I must have bent I congratulated Tip on his ability, the steering-gear in the rocks.”

  which was all right and proper, even if

  “Well,” says I, “you better get out and

  Hackamore had been dead four years.

  rest your mind a while.”

  “Hackamore,” says Tip, “meet

  They climbs out. Tip picks a rope and

  Professor—uh——”

  walks around to the front of the machine and

  “Doctor Aloysius Van Fleet,” says the

  then stops and rubs his nose.

  lion-hunter. “At your service.”

  “You don’t need to tie it, Tip,” says I,

  “I can’t use you,” says I. “I’m running

  and he nods.

  things alone now.”

  “I forgot that I’d already took the team

  “We comes out to see you about to the stable.”

  something,” says Tip, “didn’t we, reverend?”

  “Reverend,” snaps the other. “Ain’t I

  THEY sets down on the steps of the cabin and told you plenty of times that I’m the admires the view. Pretty soon Tip sniffs and professor?”

  cranes his neck.

  “I thought you said ‘Doctor’,” says I.

  “Whatcha cooking in— That’s it!

  Tippecanoe and Cougars Two 3

  That’s it, judge! We wanted to hire him to

  “The last herd I knowed about was up

  cook!”

  in the Flathead country.”

  “Ah,” grins Aloysius. “You surely can

  “You mean buffalo, don’t you?” I

  remember things. I congratulate you on a asks.

  wonderful memory. Mister—er—what’s the

  “Buffalo? Sure. What did you think I

  name?”

  meant?”

  “Harper,” says I.

  “Aloysius,”

  says

  I, “you’ll do well.

  “Ah, yes—Harper. We—er—wish to

  You’ve got some guide.”

  hire you to act as our guide.”

  “Yes,” says he. “I know I have. I saw ar />
  “That’s it!” yelps Tip, slapping himself

  man in town and I asked him where I could

  on the knee. “That’s it, professor. I knew I find a guide, and he directed me to Mister was hired for something, and that’s it. I’m to Seeley. He said that Mister Seeley had

  guide you.”

  forgotten more about the country than most Aloysius stares at Tip for a moment

  anybody knew about it.”

  and then nods:

  “He didn’t lie to you at that,” says I,

  “I believe you are right. I wish I had

  and it pleased old Tip a heap.

  your ability to remember little details. Yes,

  “By golly, I sure sabe the country all you’re the guide.”

  right,” he squeaks. “There ain’t no place I

  “Guide and a cook, eh?” says I. can’t go.”

  “Where you going?”

  “That’s right, Tip,” says I. “You don’t

  “Exactly,” agrees Aloysius, turning to

  need to worry about finding places, but you Tip. “Where are we going?”

  sure can’t remember the way back.”

  “Did you speak of any certain place?”

  Sudden-like Aloysius hops up and

  asks Tip, foolish-like.

  stares around.

  “Why certainly, I did,” says Aloysius,

  “What’s eatin’ yuh?” asks Tip.

  peevish-like. “I certainly did.”

  “You’re a fine guide!” whoops

  “Oh,” says Tip. “I see how it Aloysius. “Goodness gracious, where are the happened. You was standing on my left when rest of us?”

  you said it, and I can’t hear very well in my

  “Rest of us?” asks Tip. “Oh, you mean

  left ear. Tell me again.”

  them folks what was with you?”

  Aloysius considers it for a while and

  “My wife! Where is she? Where is the

  then clears his throat.

  rest of them?”

  “Ahem-m-m-m! Seems to me that I

  “I dunno,” grunts Tip. “There was

  had some place in mind at the time, but I must some folks got out of that blamed machine

  have misplaced it. Now what places have you when you stopped at my place. Was they

  around here?”

  intending to stay with us?”

  “You don’t happen to be hunting

  “I think so. In fact I’m almost certain

  elephants, do you?” I asks, examining that they intended coming with us. Why, we must double-barreled rifle, which had a bore like a go right back there at once.”

  twelve-gage shotgun.

  “Not me,” says Tip, shaking his head.

  “Elephants?” asks Aloysius. “Hunting

  “Not in that thing. Go ahead if you wants to.”

  elephants?”

  “You refuse to go? Very well then, I’ll

  “There ain’t none,” says Tip, wise-

  go.”

  like. “There ain’t been none since the Custer He hops into that machine, fusses with

  massacre.”

  it a moment, and she begins to heave and

  Adventure

  4

  grunt.

  move, too. Danged nigh impossible, I reckon,

  “You can’t go out that way,” says I.

  but the blame fool thinks he can. Says he’s

  “The road ends here.”

  going to photygraft grizzlies and mountain

  “Turn around, can’t I?” he snaps.

  lions. Haw! Haw! Haw! Interests of

  I looks at the road and stumps and

  eddication. Be of benefit to the people. Daw-shakes my head.

  gone! I reckon the undertaker will get his, and

  “I can,” says he. “I’ll do anything for

  that’s about all.”

  my wife.”

  “My dear sir,” says Aloysius, “you

  “All right,” says I. “It’s your machine

  seem remarkably able to get facts twisted. I and your wife.”

  hired you as a cook—not to prophesy.”

  I don’t know how he done it, but he

  “You did like ——! I’m the guide.”

  did. He went over rocks, stumps or anything

  “Well, guide me then! I want to go—

  in front of him. Half the time he wasn’t in the

  —”

  seat at all, ’cause that machine pitched and Aloysius wrinkles up his brow and

  bucked like a bronco, but he pulled leather and scowls at Tip.

  stayed with her.

  “Where were we going?”

  He made as complete a circle, as

  “I refuses to advance a prophecy,” says

  anybody would want to see, and stopped right Tip, expectorating at a lizard. “I’m your guide in front of the cabin again—pointed the same and that’s all. You tell where you want to go way he was before he circled.

  and I’ll take you there, y’betcha.”

  “Didn’t I do it?” he crows. “Told you I

  “I want you to take me to my family,”

  ——”

  says Aloysius, deliberate-like. “If you are of Then he looks ahead and behind.

  any value as a guide you can do that!”

  “He looks at Tip’s grinning face, and

  “I ain’t—not thataway. I’m here to—

  right there Aloysius gets sore.

  —”

  “I hired you to guide me!” he wails.

  “You said you could guide me, didn’t

  “The fellow in Silver Bend was right.”

  you?”

  “What did he say about Tip?” I asks.

  “Yeah, I said that—shore; but I ain’t

  “He told me to get a guide,” explains

  no wife-restorer. Daw-gone it, why don’t you Aloysius. “He told me I’d get completely put hopples or a bell on her before you loses turned around in this country, and he’s right—

  her for keeps?”

  I did.”

  “There’s Lord Washburn, too,” says

  “Do it again,” says Tip. “By the Aloysius, as the threads of memory begins to whiskers on a waumpus, I ain’t never been so tickle his brain, “and Bettina. Yes, there’s amused before in my life. Do it again. I’ll three of us missing. What do you suppose they show you one stump you missed.”

  think?”

  I walks over and peers into the body of

  “Same kind of folks as you?” I asks.

  that machine. There’s enough stuff in there to

  “Same kind? Why, they’re my

  start a trading-store with.

  people.”

  “What’s that rigging in there?” I asks,

  “Don’t worry then,” says I. “They

  and Aloysius seems to get over his peeve.

  likely ain’t missed you yet.”

  “That is my picture machine. Ain’t I

  “But I absolutely need them,” says he.

  told you about that yet? Well, well!”

  “Lord Washburn is——”

  “He’s going to photygraft animiles,”

  “Here comes a wagon,” says Tip.

  shrills Tip, grinning. “Goin’ to get them on the

  “Maybe somebody is bringing ’em up here.”

  Tippecanoe and Cougars Two 5

  my eye on the car. The roads in this vicinity AROUND a turn in the road comes our are beastly, don’t you know?”

  wagon. Magpie Simpkins is perched up on the The lord and Bettina climbs down and

  seat, herding our two pinto broncs, and beside we all sets around. Magpie looks at me and him sets a female who only needs four more shakes his head.

  pounds of lard and an ambition to get into a

  “How’d you happen to come along?” I

&
nbsp; sideshow.

  asks Lord Washburn.

  Setting on a pile of plunder in the back

  “Really.” He screws his glass into his

  is what I’d designate as Bettina and Lord

  eye and stares at me. “I have proffered my Washburn. Bettina might ’a’ been good-services to Doctor Van Fleet as nimrod

  looking—it’s all a matter of opinion, but Lord extraordinary. We are here, as I understand it, Washburn—oh, man!

  in the interest of natural history, to photograph He’s got one of them walrus the wild beast in its own environment, and I mustaches, a one-eyed spectacle and knee am acting as a sort of body-guard to the doctor panties. From his collar in the back to the in case any of the animals should—er—annoy crown’ of his head he is one succession of him.”

  rolls, the same of which makes a fellow

  “Ever done much shooting?” asks

  wishful to puncture one with a pin and let the Magpie.

  air out.

  “I’ve shot with kings.”

  Magpie skids them shy pintos up

  “What did the other fellow have?” asks

  alongside of that machine and slams on the Tip. “Aces?”